the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
