SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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