Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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