that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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