i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
