i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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