I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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