He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
