After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
