Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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