I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm really busy with my period
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