i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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