Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
