hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
