i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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