just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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