I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
