Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
These tits shall not be calmed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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