He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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