Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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