new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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