if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
