I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
