Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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