I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize