I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
