I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
