I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
