why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
