he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
