Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
