i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
