You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
