I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
