"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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