Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
