I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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