My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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