i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
