Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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