There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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