I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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