We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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