Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
