i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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