my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
