I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
