did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
