the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
