the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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