I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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