Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
