You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
