Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
FUCK WHALES
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
