My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
