I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I understand Curling. That high.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
