I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Non-Jews are for practice
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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