I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
