Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
