Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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