pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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