You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
