I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
