Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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