I heard we made out
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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